Happiness

(Originally published during Divali – the last day of the Hindu New Year, also known as the festival of light.  Thus, this article was addressed to Hindu readers, yet it is useful for any one not comfortable seeking psychological counseling in order to enhance his/her happiness)

As Divali and our New Year arrive we all wish our friends and relatives Happy New Year! I just wonder whether we clearly understand what this happiness comprises of and how to go about ensuring it!

We all know that it is good to have wealth and it does contribute to an individual’s happiness. That is why we have the tradition of Laxmi-Pujan! (Laxmi is the Goddess of wealth in Hinduism)
However, the overall happiness primarily depends upon an individual’s physical, psychological, and spiritual well-being and not merely on the wealth one possesses.

For physical well-being we have a range of options – from household remedies to various kinds of medical specialists. We know how to use these options and more or less feel comfortable using them. For our spiritual needs we have spiritual leaders, places of worship, and a host of other means! Further, participation in spiritual and religious activities is considered admirable at both the individual and at the societal levels. However, when talking to friends or relatives has not helped, the concept of seeing a specialist to deal with psychological and relational issue is almost absent in our community. As a result suffering continues for years, sometimes developing into a crisis or resulting in an explosive event that we read about in newspapers.

What we lack is knowledge, understanding, recognition, and the resultant comfort in seeking services from professionals trained in helping with psychological and relational issues. Such professionals are educated in psychological counseling and relational dynamics and are licensed by the State as Professional Counselor and/or as Marriage and Family Therapist. They are referred to as psychotherapists as well.

In order to improve this situation and enhance our psychological well-being some relevant points are discussed here.

What does a Professional Counselor or a Family Therapist do?

The most important qualities these professionals have are empathy and listening skills. These professionals – particularly family therapists –are also trained to view situations systemically.

Thus, they try to help an individual understand his problems in the context of family, work, community, life experiences, and everything that has any effect on the current situation. Through appropriate questioning, and other techniques that they may employ, they empower the individual to resolve his current difficulties. They are also ethically bound to keep all information appropriately confidential.

The whole process could be understood to an extent by comparing it to the function of a mirror. A mirror helps you see your appearance without making any comment or value judgment. The mirror shows you that your hair is messy. That’s it. It does not laugh, does not tell you that your hair is always messy, and does not make broad generalizations such as you are incapable of taking care of anything even your hair. You would much rather find out that your hair was messy from a mirror than from a friend or any other individual. If an individual points out your messy hair, you may become embarrassed, self-conscious, or even upset, and who knows what kind of opinion he/she forms about you. With a mirror, you are safe. Just as a mirror lets you see your physical self, a psychotherapist helps you see your psychological self and your family dynamics without making a value judgment or giving any inappropriate reaction.

Further, even if you are lucky enough to have a trustworthy and supportive relative or friend, you may still leave out some crucial details due to the fear that the person may demote his/her opinion of you.

Once a mirror tells you that your hair is messy, you use the mirror to help you comb your hair, or decide to wear a hat over your hair, or accept that you can make it through the day with messy hair. Similarly once you get some insight into the psychological difficulty you are facing, you are free to fix it, adjust to it, or accept it. A psychotherapist will assist you by giving you small advice, useful assignments, relevant information, and appropriate skill training.

A mirror also keeps the information confidential. You do not have to worry about the mirror running around and telling everyone how messy your hair was this morning. You do not have to fear becoming exposed. The same is true with these professionals.

What kind of concerns do these professionals handle?

They help individuals and family with a variety of psychological, behavioral, and relational problems and concerns. A few examples:

• feelings of depression and anxiety
• unmanageable anger and hostility
• persistent difficulty coping with life crises
• problems with a child’s behavior or performance
• dissatisfaction with marriage or family life
• repeated problems at work
• concerns related to sexuality
• alcohol, drug, or any other abuse/addiction
• concerns related to eating habits and weight

They also assist with growth related matters such as improving parenting skills, learning communication skill, career development, and premarital counseling.

Why the use of psychological counseling and family therapy is minimal in our community?

Apart from many common reasons such as denial, inertia for action, comfort with the status quo, and a difficulty in accepting one’s inability to solve one’s own problems, we have some additional reasons due to our cultural background:

• We are uncomfortable revealing our personal and family matters to an outsider.
• We tend to be overly concerned about confidentiality issue – more particularly with the professional from our own community.
• We too highly value the individual and family image, hence revealing the internal reality, generates feelings of shame.
• Traditionally, we are not used to seeking such help; hence we experience internal and even external resistance. Further, since we do not use such services, we have a high level of ignorance about them.
• Our lack of ease for paying for some thing non-tangible such as time or just talking.
• With respect to professionals from the main stream culture, we may have concerns about cultural and language barriers.

What is the advantage of having your psychotherapist from the same culture and background?

We are more likely to select lawyers from our community for our legal needs; and we understand why. With respect to psychological counseling, the advantages of using a professional from our community are even deeper and more pronounced. He/she may share similar life experiences and may know your native language and cultural traditions. Thereby, such a professional is likely to understand your situation easily and in its totality. Further, having a full understanding of your cultural values and religious beliefs, not only reduces barriers in communication, but he may be able to use those values/beliefs to your advantage in resolving your difficulties.

What can we do?

An individual in need of such help may look at the reasons for not seeking help and try to overcome the resistance by conscious efforts. Once you take action to have a first meeting, then it becomes easier. Friends and relatives who are aware about the difficulties an individual or a family is facing may provide encouragement for seeking professional help. It is also useful to know that revealing our psychological and family matters to a psychotherapist is no different than revealing our physical body to a doctor.

Our community leaders and professionals such as lawyers, doctors, and educators may become more educated and sensitive about the whole issue of psychological health. They may encourage individuals in their contact to seek professional help for such difficulties. We have to make members of our community aware that unattended psychological and relationship issues have a slow but certain negative impact on all other aspects of life, adversely affecting an individual’s overall happiness.

Let us resolve to take proactive steps to free us from the psychological sufferings and enhance the joy of living and our happiness!